When Love Feels Unsafe: Overcoming Trauma and Reclaiming Connection
- Renee Rivers
- Feb 13
- 8 min read
There was a time in my life when love felt unsafe. After experiencing childhood trauma, I learned to live without the love and support I craved most. It became a survival mechanism—shutting off the part of me that needed love, in order to avoid the pain of its absence.
Years later, when my aunts learned about what had happened to me, they surrounded me with warmth, protection, and compassion. It was everything I had longed for, but I didn’t know how to receive it. That love felt overwhelming, even wrong, and I ran from it because I had spent years teaching myself how to survive without it.
But here’s the beautiful part of this story: their love planted a seed of hope in me, even when I wasn’t ready to accept it. Over time, through my faith, my community, and their unwavering love, I began to heal. I’ve been restored. Today, I can feel love and give love—freely and fully.
As a mother, I now parent my children from a place of wholeness. I honor the parts of me that needed to survive, but I no longer live there. Instead, I choose to create a home filled with warmth, safety, and love—the very things I once couldn’t accept. Healing has made this possible. I am not perfect, but I am better and more aware, and every day, I strive to show up with the love and intention my children deserves.
A Story of Survival: Emotional Numbing in Action
Maya was 15 years old when her world changed forever. She experienced a deeply traumatic event and, without realizing it, shut off her emotions entirely to cope. Her grades stayed perfect, her smile stayed wide, and no one in her life suspected the turmoil beneath her polished exterior. What Maya didn’t understand at the time was that her emotional numbing—a survival mechanism—was helping her get through each day.
Years later, as an adult, Maya struggled in ways she couldn’t quite explain. She avoided relationships because being close to people felt risky. She struggled to feel joy in celebrations and dismissed compliments or acts of kindness as "no big deal." Anytime someone tried to love her deeply, she felt a sense of discomfort, even fear, and pulled away.
Maya came to therapy when she realized she wasn’t just surviving anymore—she wanted to thrive. Through reflection, she learned that the emotional walls she built in her teenage years helped her endure pain but now kept her from fully experiencing love, connection, and joy. Her emotional numbing, while protective then, was now a barrier to the life she wanted to build.
Understanding Emotional Numbing
Maya’s story highlights how emotional numbing works. Emotional numbing is a common survival mechanism for trauma survivors. It helps protect the brain by suppressing overwhelming emotions—both positive and negative. When someone has experienced pain or betrayal, emotions can feel like a threat to survival, so the brain “shuts down” to protect itself.
This can look like:
Disconnecting from emotions. Feeling detached or numb, even in joyful or exciting moments.
Avoiding vulnerability. Struggling to trust or open up to others, even in safe relationships.
Suppressing memories. Avoiding reminders of the trauma, leading to emotional distance.
Feeling out of sync. Struggling to identify or express feelings, leading to confusion or isolation.
While emotional numbing is a natural response to trauma, it can become a barrier to fully experiencing life and relationships as time goes on. Healing requires learning how to feel and trust again, and that’s not always easy—but it is possible.
Questions to Consider: If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, you might be impacted in adulthood by emotional numbing:
Do you often feel emotionally "flat" or disconnected, even in situations that should bring you joy or excitement?
Do you find it difficult to trust others or share your thoughts and feelings with people, even those you consider safe?
Do you avoid certain places, situations, or conversations because they remind you of painful memories?
Do you sometimes feel as though you’re "watching" life happen to others but not fully experiencing it yourself?
Do you struggle to identify or express your emotions, even when you know something is bothering you?
Do you feel disconnected from your body, often ignoring signs of stress, exhaustion, or discomfort?
Do you over-focus on staying busy or productive to avoid sitting with your thoughts or emotions?
Have people close to you commented that you seem distant or "hard to read"?
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you may be experiencing the effects of emotional numbing. The good news is that healing is possible. Therapy, mindfulness, and self-compassion are powerful tools to help you reconnect with your emotions, rebuild trust, and begin to fully experience life again.
For Black women, emotional numbing can manifest in ways that are unique to the intersections of race, gender, and societal pressures. Cultural expectations to be "strong" and resilient, coupled with experiences of racial trauma, microaggressions, and systemic inequities, can shape how emotional numbing is experienced and expressed. Here are some common symptoms of emotional numbing that Black women may face:
Symptoms of Emotional Numbing for Black Women
"Strong Black Woman" Syndrome:
Feeling pressure to always appear strong, composed, and capable, even when struggling inside.
Suppressing emotions out of fear of being judged as "weak" or "emotional."
Hyper-Independence:
Believing you must handle everything on your own because others might not show up for you.
Avoiding asking for help, even when overwhelmed, because of past disappointments or fear of being a burden.
Difficulty Identifying Emotions:
Struggling to pinpoint what you’re feeling beyond "tired" or "stressed."
Feeling disconnected from joy, sadness, or anger, as though your emotions are dulled.
Distrust in Relationships:
Avoiding vulnerability or emotional intimacy due to fear of rejection, betrayal, or not being understood.
Keeping people at arm’s length emotionally, even in friendships or romantic relationships.
Overachievement as a Coping Mechanism:
Using career, education, or productivity to distract from unresolved pain or trauma.
Feeling like you have to "prove" your worth through constant accomplishment.
Hypervigilance and Guardedness:
Always being on alert, especially in predominantly white or male-dominated spaces, to protect yourself from microaggressions or discrimination.
Appearing distant or cold because you’ve learned to mask emotions as a form of protection.
Suppression of Anger:
Bottling up anger or frustration to avoid being labeled as the "angry Black woman."
Redirecting anger inward (self-criticism) or outward in passive-aggressive ways.
Avoidance of Rest and Pleasure:
Feeling guilty about resting, relaxing, or enjoying yourself because you feel you haven’t "earned" it.
Numbing joy or happiness because it feels fleeting or undeserved.
Physical Symptoms:
Chronic fatigue, headaches, or tension in the body, often linked to stress and emotional suppression.
Experiencing physical discomfort but ignoring it or pushing through because "there’s no time to be sick."
Emotional Isolation:
Feeling like no one truly understands your struggles, leading to self-isolation.
Avoiding spaces or conversations that might bring up vulnerable emotions.
Why These Symptoms Manifest
For many Black women, emotional numbing is intertwined with survival mechanisms shaped by historical and generational trauma, systemic racism, and cultural expectations. The world often demands strength and resilience, leaving little room for vulnerability or rest. These coping mechanisms may have been necessary in moments of survival, but over time, they can lead to emotional exhaustion and disconnection.
Questions for Reflection:
If you’re a Black woman, consider these questions to explore whether emotional numbing may be impacting you:
Do you feel like you have to "have it all together" all the time, even when you’re struggling?
Do you avoid expressing emotions like sadness, anger, or disappointment because you fear being judged or misunderstood?
Have you ever felt like you’re running on autopilot, just getting through each day?
Do you struggle to rest or enjoy yourself without feeling guilty or unproductive?
Do you feel emotionally distant from your loved ones or disconnected from your own needs?
Healing for Black Women
Healing from emotional numbing involves reclaiming space for your emotions and needs. This might include:
Therapy with a Culturally Competent Provider: Someone who understands the unique challenges Black women face and creates a safe space for healing.
Rest and Self-Care: Prioritizing moments of rest and joy without guilt. This is an act of resistance against societal expectations to always "do more."
Community Support: Leaning into safe spaces with other Black women who understand and affirm your experiences.
Affirming Your Humanity: Allowing yourself to feel and express all emotions—joy, sadness, anger, and everything in between—without judgment.
How to Begin Accepting Love
Acknowledge Your Survival Mechanisms - Reflect on how you may have learned to shut out love or connection. Understand that this was a way to protect yourself, and extend compassion to that part of you.
Take Small Steps Toward Vulnerability - Allow yourself to receive love in small, manageable ways—a compliment, a kind gesture, or simply sitting with someone who cares for you. Notice how it feels without judgment.
Challenge the Belief That You’re Undeserving - Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and connection, no matter what your past has taught you. Surround yourself with people who affirm this truth.
Practice Self-Compassion - Healing takes time. Be patient with yourself as you relearn how to receive love. Journaling, therapy, or faith practices can help you process these experiences.
Build Trust with Safe People - Start with relationships where you feel safe, and let those connections be a foundation for opening yourself to love in bigger ways.
Faith: A Path to Healing, Endurance, and Thriving
Trauma can leave us feeling broken and disconnected—not only from others but also from ourselves. Yet, faith offers a powerful anchor, a reminder that even in our pain, we are never alone. It provides the strength to endure suffering, the courage to pivot toward healing, and the hope to step into a life of abundance.
Faith to Heal - Healing begins with surrendering our pain to God. When we bring our wounds to Him, He restores what feels lost or broken. Faith doesn’t erase the pain, but it reminds us that there is a greater purpose in our story and that healing is possible.
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." – Psalm 147:3
Faith to Endure the Pain - Suffering is a part of life, but through faith, we gain the strength to endure. God promises that He will never leave or forsake us, even in the darkest moments. Faith allows us to lean on His strength when ours feels depleted, knowing He is shaping us through the trials.
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." – Romans 5:3-4
Faith to Thrive and Live Abundantly - Faith doesn’t stop at survival—it pushes us to thrive. God calls us not just to endure life but to live it abundantly. When we trust Him, He guides us from a position of brokenness to one of joy, purpose, and peace. Faith helps us pivot from simply surviving to thriving, knowing we are fearfully and wonderfully made for a life of meaning.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." – John 10:10
Reflection
Have you ever found yourself shutting out the love you craved most because it felt unfamiliar or unsafe? How might you begin to open yourself to receiving the love and connection you deserve today?
Call to Action
Healing is a deeply personal journey, and it’s important to find the support that feels right for you. Whether you lean on faith, community, or personal reflection, taking the time to prioritize your well-being is essential. If you recognize survival mechanisms, relationship struggles, or emotional patterns that no longer serve you, consider reaching out for help.
Finding a therapist who makes you feel safe and understood can be a transformative step. Therapy is a space where you can unpack your story, rediscover your strength, and begin to heal in a way that feels authentic to you. You deserve to thrive, and taking that first step is a powerful act of self-care.
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